Part 6: Celebrations & Milestones
Chapter 29: Unconditional Love
I shall now write only that part of my story that informs aspects of our togetherness in marriage. I shall omit other events that we were involved in, like vacations with kids and parties that Bakul gave on the Fourth of July and Thanksgiving holidays. In this chapter, I mention a particular unfolding because it speaks to Bakul's extraordinary inner quality.
Parsh got engaged with Brenda, a colleague in the computer department. He lived with her for several months before proposing.
At first, Bakul and I were not completely satisfied. We believed that there were many well-mannered and cultured Indian girls in our community who would make excellent partners for Parsh. Several parents had even approached Bakul to discuss the possibility of arranging an engagement between their daughter and Parsh. Therefore, Parsh's sudden engagement with Brenda was surprising and unexpected for both of us. However, after meeting with Brenda, we both felt happy that Parsh got engaged with a good-loving girl with whom we, too, got comfortable quickly.
With Parsh and Brenda on their wedding day
They got married in September 1985 by a Hindu Priest as well as a Christian priest. After his marriage, the more we came to know Brenda, the more we loved her. Parsh and Brenda produced two beautiful girls who love us and their father.
After 27 years of marriage, one day after dinner, Brenda told Parsh she was leaving him. Both Bakul and I were deeply pained. Everything had unfolded when Parsh was with their two daughters, Maya and Avalon, in India for three weeks. He was told about the decision by Brenda as soon as he returned. This was a very painful shock to us because we had no knowledge there was any problem in their marriage. Parsh was devastated, and we were deeply worried about him. In many ways, especially with the initial shock event made me lose respect and feel angry with Brenda. Bakul, however, told me that her love for Brenda remained unabated. She said I should be happy that she gave us a gift of two lovely granddaughters. We should wish her well in her new marriage.
This is what made Bakul a better human being than myself. Seeing her steadfast love for Brenda, I, too, changed. Although more than a decade had passed since their divorce, Bakul called Brenda on her birthdays, and she, in turn, sent flowers to Bakul. At the funeral service for Bakul, Brenda came from Florida and was there holding a basket of rose petals to shower on the body. I loved her with tears in my eyes. Bakul always told me, “Shanti, genuine love should be immortal—should never decay”
She had been teaching me her concept of love from the day we got married. She quoted an old song in Hindi: “Jo Tere prem me sachaii he, to or be prem badhale.” Translated in English, “If there is truth in your love, increase your love even more.”
Chapter 30: Anand & Valerie
Anand dated Valerie, a student at the University of Delaware, where he was also a student. He had told his mother about dating Valerie, but I was not told. I suppose I was too conservative in my views.
After graduating from the University of Delaware, Anand went to Oxford University on a scholarship, where he would eventually obtain a doctorate degree in Biochemistry. When he began his studies there, Valerie was working in New York City. They wanted to be together, but Oxford would not allow it unless they were married. So, Anand came on a short visit from the UK, and they were married in the office of the Justice of Peace in Elkton, MD.
Bakul with Valerie and Anand
Their wedding cost me only $35. Both flew away to the UK. To pay for their living expenses, Valerie got a job in London and traveled from Oxford to London daily. Bakul and I were touched by Valerie’s sacrifice in their marriage. We love her. They have two beautiful kids, a boy Cameron and a girl Simran, who love us. Valerie has raised them so well that they are not only athletic but also good in studies and music.
Chapter 31: Meena’s Wedding
Bakul and I always believed that Meena was our smartest child (without intended offense to the two boys). We wanted the best education for her. We asked her to decide which college she wanted to go to. She chose Bryn Mawr College for Women. It was an expensive college for the income I had. But Bakul was keen that she should go to the college of her choice. She prevailed, and Meena joined Bryn Mawr College. I had thought she would take pre-med courses and later attend medical school to get her MD degree.
Meena quickly discovered that she was not interested in becoming a medical doctor. She took political science courses, but I was too much of an Indian to like such courses. So, we took her out of the expensive college and got her to join the University of Delaware, which we could afford being residents of Delaware. Here, she met Richard, who was a co-student in political science. Both of them had identical views on politics, and so became friends. Meena had confided in Bakul. I was an ultra-conservative for her, so I was not told.
She got her graduate degree in communication. Richard proposed to her, and they got married in 1997. After discussing it with Bakul, I gave Meena $10000 and said that was all I wanted to spend on her wedding. Bakul did not wish to a Justice Of Peace type wedding like Anand’s. Meena was the only daughter. Bakul desired a decent wedding. To Meena’s credit, I must say that she planned and executed a splendid wedding at the Greenville Country Club. A lady universalist priest performed the wedding.
Bakul with Meena on her wedding day.
On a sunny day in September 1997, we had sitar and Scottish bagpipe music. The wedding started at 2 p.m., and at 3:30 p.m., guests were treated to a very creatively delicious Hi-Tea. The entire wedding was completed in less than four hours. The cost was $6000, so Meena saved $4000 out of my budget of $10,000. She used the money for their honeymoon visit to New York after the wedding.
I was very proud of her for conducting what Mrs. Genevieve Gore, the founder of our company, described as the most delightful wedding she had ever attended.
Meena and Rich have three smart, handsome, and very good children: Kieran, Leela, and Rohan.
Chapter 32: The Temple
It was now the year 1998. Bakul had fallen in the bathroom and had broken her posterior tibial tendon. She was advised by an Ortho-Surgeon to wear an Arizona ankle brace for walking. She started using her roller walker during visits to the temple to avoid being knocked down by crowds at the time of the special pooja at the temple. Thereafter, She developed the habit of using her walker continuously.
In 2000, our temple became functional. I was 70, and Bakul was 66. We always appeared at the temple together and our love for each other was discernible by most visitors. We were often jokingly called Divya Dampati or divine couple. All newlywed couples sought our blessings. Our regular visits to the temple and attendance at all special poojas made us a well-respected pair.
Chapter 33: Our Closest American Friends
We developed a strong friendship with my co-associates at the Gore company. Jack Hoover was our company's marketing director for medical products, and his wife, Beverly, worked as an HR specialist. They were like us, married in 1952.
Every quarter, Jack returned after his retirement to attend directors' meetings and stay with us at our house in Landenberg. We loved his visits, and he loved us both. Even my Ba loved them. These true friends have both died now, and we miss them sorely. We did not develop such a true friendship with any other American couple in the USA.
One very significant thing that Jack Hoover made me do was to make a meta-analysis of all papers published on Vascular surgery. I did so, and he made a book out of it and broadly gave it to all vascular surgeons here and in Europe. This analysis became very popular and also became a good marketing tool. I was invited to a major meeting on vascular surgery in Munich, Germany. Jack made me present my study in a paper for the conference attended by 72 Vascular surgeons from Europe. My paper was judged the best, and I was awarded a prize of 2000DM and a bag full of German chocolate. From this prize money I bought a diamond ring for Bakul, my first ever ring for her. She wore the ring till she died. We have known some Indian friends commenting that Shantibhai and Bakulben do not need any friends. They entertain each other. I have considered such comments as a compliment to our togetherness.
Chapter 34: Building an Unbreakable Bond
By now, we had been together for almost 50 years, and our togetherness was very deeply satisfying. She could read my thoughts, and I was able to read hers. This surprised us, but we still had fun with it.
We were developing strong emotional attachment. Both of us were looking forward to spending all our time together and seeing America soon after my retirement in 1996. Just around that time, Kiranbhai went into hospital for a bypass operation for his heart. Bakul had to go to New Jersey to help Renu, who was busy with hospital visits. She stayed there for almost two weeks.
This separation was difficult for me. This is when I experienced how acutely I missed her. As soon as Kiranbhai was discharged, Bakul returned home.
